If you can relate to this and find that your self-respect has absolutely been stripped to the bone and needs repair, you need to read this article. I'm going to share with you 3 vital keys that will get you on the road to recovery and restore a healthy sense and perspective of self-worth, and regain the respect for the amazing person you are. And, if you are up to it, point you in the direction of saving your marriage.
After the Affair - What the Victim Deals With:
Surviving an affair is an unique and different experience for each victim, and will present unique and different challenges to each one. No doubt the emotions and mental anguish will be quite overwhelming. You will be dealing with anger and hurt caused by the betrayal and often-times those negative emotions point inwards.
This negativity, if not dealt with properly, has the potential to inflict carnage on your inner health and leave your self-confidence in ruins.
Do you find you are castigating yourself with these punishing, yet unfair, thoughts?
How could I not realize something wasn't right?
Why didn't I clue into that he/she was cheating - all those overtimes and late work nights...
There must be something wrong with me for my spouse to do such a horrible thing.
I must not have been enough...
This inward-directed anger, and disgust, is completely natural. A major part of the fall-out from an affair is doubt: about your relationship, who you are, who your spouse, the one you thought you knew - is, and what is going to happen next? Going through this time of doubt will be a phase in the process of surviving an affair.
But if you are getting sick, literally, and feeling like you just can't keep on top of these negative and damaging thoughts, this is a critical moment where you must put in a huge effort to protect yourself and get things turned around.
Never forget: your mind is your domain! You are in charge of what happens there...
Surviving An Affair And Saving Your Marriage - You CAN Do It!
After the Affair - Rebuilding Self-Respect: One thing you must come to grips with and determine in your mind, during your journey of surviving an affair, is the truth that you are not responsible for the choice your spouse made to cheat. Even though your marriage may not have been ideal, or perhaps it was down right bad... this is still no excuse for your spouse to breach their vows, wander outside the marriage, and destroy your trust - with the thinking that it would somehow improve things in the relationship!
Without exception, an affair takes a bad situation and makes it worse... no "if", "and", or "buts" about it. A marriage is not a mathematical equation... two negatives do not make a positive!
The hurt, pain, and suffering that the victims of infidelity deal with are completely unwarranted. You did not ask, or choose, to be cheated on, yet here you are dealing with all the negative fall-out from the affair. You may feel like you've completely lost control of everything - your emotions, your attitude... your life, and maybe even your view of life. Going through this painfully drawn out emotional avalanche plays a huge part in the deterioration of your self-respect.
Here are 3 keys that are vital to surviving an affair and restoring your self-respect:
Key #1: Surviving an Affair by Taking Ownership
You are in no way at fault for your spouse's infidelity, but you are absolutely responsible and in charge of your life. If you desire to save your marriage then you must come to terms with the fact that you are responsible for helping to bridge the chasm in your relationship with your partner. Always understand though, you were in no way to blame for your spouse's cheating.
The reality of the situation is that now, you need to overcome this most difficult of hands you've been dealt. Surviving an affair requires that you get rid of the old, negative, depressing and "victim-mentality" way of thinking and processing things. As long as they dominate your mind you cannot move forward. You must take responsibility and ownership of what you allow yourself to think about and dwell on, and also for replacing that negativity with a new, hopeful and positive attitude and mindset. This step is crucial in not only surviving an affair, but also in moving forward to saving your marriage.
Key #2: Surviving an Affair by Embracing Reality
Being down and feeling depressed, after finding out that your spouse has been unfaithful, are normal emotions... it is OK to accept that right now, this is your reality. But here is perhaps the most powerful "ah-ha" moment for surviving an affair... this is NOT your forever - this moment does NOT define you nor your future! You must get that in your mind and truly believe it. On the other hand, don't pretend that you are fine and just repress your feelings of hurt and pain. Avoidance will not help you regain your self-respect.
Accepting that your current reality is rife with many negative thoughts, emotions and images can actually diminish much of the power of that negativity. When you can truthfully acknowledge that this is a very troublesome time in your life, that release can bolster your self-confidence. By labeling it for what it is, you have, in essence, empowered yourself over it and are now more in control. It is now vital that you turn the page on all the negativity associated with the affair and focus your energy and attention onto a positive and encouraging reality... properly surviving an affair demands this.
Key #3: Surviving an Affair by Building Up Your Emotions and Spirit
Your marriage may have been a mess for awhile. Thinking back you may realize that it has been quite some time since you've had any sort of fun, not to mention fun with your spouse. Very likely the days prior to the affair, and perhaps going back a long time in your marriage, were earmarked by resentments, anger and other negative emotions.
Surviving an affair entails breaking old, negative and unhealthy habits in order to restore your self-respect... and re-establishing a habit of having fun in your life is part of that. Take the bull by the horns here - think of the things you really enjoy and that give you pleasure... the things you find fulfilling, and then pull a Nike... Just Do It! Break out from beneath the cloud of negativity and depression and force yourself, if you have to, but get out there and start enjoying yourself and your life again - you are worth it. Also, keep things in perspective... while you have, absolutely, had to deal with a devastating blow, you are surviving an affair, not a death.
And don't you, even for a minute, feel guilty about having some fun. But this is also where balance comes into the picture. Having fun doesn't give you license to neglect putting the necessary, focussed, work into saving your marriage. It is simply a vehicle for helping to heal your damaged emotions and spirit, and get you into a more positive state of mind where you can be more effective and have more to give to the repair process of your marriage. By putting time and effort into enriching and loving yourself, you will be inadvertently restoring your self-respect.
The length of the journey to finding self-respect again is as varied and unique, as the individual who traverses it. I wish I could tell you that next week, or two months from now is when you'll arrive. While I can't afford you this luxury, I can tell you that once you have taken this step, and acknowledged you have lost your self-respect through the affair, you must now take that next leap and believe you have the power to turn that around.
Surviving an affair has so many unique challenges - trying to do it with a deflated and damaged self-respect is next to impossible. I really encourage you to begin applying these principles into your life and marriage. Many others, in your position, have done so with success... and in so doing have reaped the benefits of a stronger and healthier marriage as a result.
I truly believe you can save your marriage and I wish you healing and wholeness as you commit to this journey of surviving an affair...
For more help with surviving an affair and encouragement that will help you get back on your feet, click here. Also, if you have been trying to save your marriage on your own, and are having a hard time, please get my free report and my Save Your Marriage Newsletter.
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